


since he could not stammer, his hands shook

by meowrails



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - 1930s, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Beauty and the Beast Elements, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fairy Tale Elements, M/M, Music, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 09:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8199460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowrails/pseuds/meowrails
Summary: Jongdae teaches Joonmyun that life is not measured by the words you say, but by the actions you take and the songs you write.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I understand that some of the sentences that Joonmyun makes using sign language may not be entire possible to do or to do very quickly, but for the sake of the story, let's pretend. Also, let's pretend that in this world, at that era, there was no period-typical homophobia.
> 
> [ here](http://8tracks.com/equi-us/since-he-could-not-stammer-his-hands-shook) is a playlist of the music i listened to while writing this, its supposed to match the progression of the story.

The sun kissed island of Saint Carmen was located only a short boat ride away from the mainland and, while relatively small in size, would attract many tourists and new inhabitants every year thanks to its natural beauty and blessing from the patron saint of the ocean whom it got its name. Anyone with a boat can sail along the shore and find numerous caves that shine in the moonlight as well as untouched bays with water so clean and pure that it might as well be holy. The coastal town holds its fame for its wonderful seafood as well as its traditional festivals and its yearly ball that never fails to excite the commoners for the fact that they can all pretend to be rich and extravagant, at least for one night. A smell of ocean water can be felt around the entire island, even in its highest elevation, making legends about the sea popular among the children. Sand as black as night surround it's beaches from the volcanic ash of the now dormant volcano which transformed into a gorgeous mountain that holds the island's hunting animals as well as the famous Kim estate, better known as Moonard, that sits almost on the top of the mountain. In the coldest of winters, when snow falls over the roof of the mansion, Moonard invites its youngest citizens to enjoy the wonderful weather phenomenon themselves, at least once in their life.

The House of Kim had been the ones who not only led the citizens to nurturing its now beautiful and vast flower garden back life, but had also been the ones who made the fish market as popular and successful as it is now. The island's fishing market and textile factories owe their success to the wealthy family.

Despite the citizen's loyalty and respect for the family, rumors cannot help but slither their way into their heads. Saint Carmen was by no means an exciting and action filled place of living, you could only be entertained by small talk in tea time so much. Like many small towns, gossip was one of its preformed distractions. Once an idea is formed, people can be very stubborn to let it go and would much rather form the rumors into an intricate story and make matters much worse. This turned sunday mass into more of a gossip gathering than a time of faith, much to Father Yifan's dismay.

Kim Jongdae was no stranger to rumors.

First of all, his first name was indeed in relation to the Kim Family, but it was a very distant, almost irrelevant connection to the famous bloodline, but his reptile of a mother had been very keen on gaining the Kim name to the keep the last bit of her reputation intact. Jongdae's mother had been diligent in seducing a distant Kim Cousin into making her part of the family, but unfortunately, the amount of wealth the man had did not meet her expectations. Two years after she gave birth to her son she took a ferry one summer dawn to the mainland with a new lover. Mr. Kim, heartbroken and desperate, filled himself to the brim with whiskey and swam to the mainland in Saint Carmen's coldest winter nights. No one knew if he survived.

While the story did not affect the young boy as much as it should have, he didn't interact very much with his parents, his grandmother found herself forced to move away from the village and decided instead to live a few minutes walking distance from the town, closer to the quiet bay next to the forest where she could raise Jongdae in peace, far away from the villagers rude mouths and prying eyes.

The gossip surrounding his family died down a few months later, when the grand ball celebrating the tenth birthday of the Estate's eldest son, Kim Joonmyun, ended in chaos.

No one knows exactly what had happened that frightful night other than the fact that Lady Kim wailed so loudly that some said it could be heard from the village. All that is truly known is the simple fact that the Kim Joonmyun could not speak, he could not utter a simple word. Every time the he tried the poor boy would end up into a stuttering mess, tears staining his face, ashamed of himself.

After an examination, his vocal cords were found to be completely fine as well as his mental state, there was no medical explanation for the boy's trauma. His father decided that his son was just being a stubborn child, but no matter how much he would try and force the child to speak, Joonmyun could only let out scattered syllables and noises at the most extreme cases.

He caused the family a great deal of embarrassment.

Seeing as there was no firm reason for the young Kim's loss of voice, the villagers unanimously decided that it was not the work of the body but the sign of the devil. Some said that a witch cursed him and that she would curse the rest of the family as well. Rumors were created, ideas were planted into people's heads, until it became the only thing anyone in Saint Carmen would talk about.

Wu Yifan, the local preacher, took this opportunity to strike fear into the townspeople's hearts. "The devil has obviously taken hold of the young Kim," he said on a Sunday morning of the very week of the event.

"Will we allow this boy to lead us in the future when he can't even say what he will do for the city? No. What would happen if he finally chooses to speak? What treachery and sin will escape his mouth?" The preacher's powerful voice resonated amongst the walls of the church leaving the entire village set on a unanimous decision. The young Kim was marked by evil itself and he must be taken care off.

After the mass, the Kim family was informed of what the townspeople thought of their son. Lady Kim's wails grew louder while Lord Kim could not look at his son in the eye and instead asked the local doctor on how soon they could bear another child.

The boy who would have been heir to Moonard was now not only permanently unfit to govern island, but had brought shame to the family name at only the measly age of ten.

It was not long until people started noticing the construction of small castle next to Moonard that was being made for the young Kim to live, far from the rest of his family and in the hands of nannies and servants.

Surrounded by people who would agree with such a young boy being shunned by his own family, Jongdae felt as if he was the only one who pitied Kim Joonmyun when he looked up at the mountain to the dark, lonely castle. He would wonder if the young Kim pitied him too.

  
~*~

  
Years passed and everyone started to forget how the young Kim looked like, especially after the birth of the new heir, Kim Minseok. The image of a five year old boy turned into a beast as white as snow and eventually his appearance turned much more terrifying as the story spread on. Some said he had claws, others would argue that he had a hunch back and a face that not even a mother could love. Servants who had actually worked with the Voiceless Beast, as he was now called for everyone had forgotten his true name, were bound by law not to speak of him, which only made matters worse.

But everyone could agree that the most terrifying part of crossing paths with the castle of the Voiceless Beast was that the sound of a beautiful melody could be heard at all times of the day. Rumors were that's how he would lure you in and feast on your corpse.

Jongdae, now seventeen years older with an insatiable thirst for adventure and his childish curiosity still intact, was desperate to see the castle himself.

"Why?!" Was the first thing that escaped his grandmother's mouth. Doctor Zhang had just left, but it seemed as the medicine he gave her did nothing to stop her endless coughing. Jongdae would be cooking tonight then, as he usually did these days.

His cat-like lips turned into a proud grin as he adjusted his circular spectacles, "Because no one wants else to apply to the castle, Grandmother. Do you know how much the Kim's are willing to pay for someone to take care of him?"

"Yes, but-" She let out a thunderous cough. "Jongdae, I don't want anything to happen to you. You know-" Another cough. "You know what they say about him."

Jongdae rolled his eyes but the action did not come off as ill-minded. "We both know those stories about him being some sort of loony or an animal are not true. Please, I can’t afford taking care of you while selling newspapers for spare change. Doing all sort of odd jobs. I barely got enough money to feed myself, yet you always complain about how I look like a sack of bones." He ran a hand over the frail, old woman's face and smiled; he had inherited her smile.

His grandmother looked around at their cottage that was now withered with age form the constant humidity of the sea just like she was. There was a saying amongst the townspeople that, eventually, the sea would take us all in the end. It seemed to be all too real. "Alright, I'm too tired to fight with you anyway."

The young man gave her a kiss to her cheek and grabbed started to pack his things with a promise that he would write to her every day. He let go of their linked fingers and tried not to dwell on her expression as he left too much. His friends, on the other hand, were not too keen on the idea.

"You're an idiot, Kim Jongdae," Said Jongin as he reloaded his rifle. "Why not become a guard in Moonard, like us?"

Zitao laughed into his drink. "I doubt he has the strength to stop a thief or an intruder. Maybe working as a servant in Moonard would suit him well after all."

As much as it angered him, Jongdae knew that the words they spoke of were not entirely wrong. Zitao and Jongin had fought in the war together, in the front with most of the young men in the island. They saw men lose themselves to bullets or madness while Jongdae was living in the comfort of Saint Carmen with his grandmother. They were right, he was a coward.

"You know that I don't like Lord Minseok. The sod always stares at me for far too long when he comes to visit the town. Thinks that I would be interested in his money like my mother. Rich bastard."

"You're telling me that you would rather clean about for the Voiceless Beast alone, because trust me when I say that barely anyone works there, rather than working for the heir of your island? The richest man in the archipelago?" Jongin teased, pointing a finger at him.

Jongdae scowled. After being called 'The whore's son' instead of his actual name for so many years, he found the other Kim's nickname personally offensive. "His name is Kim Joonmyun and his family will pay very well, especially if practically no one wants to work there. I will do what I want with my life as long as it means that I can keep my grandmother alive. I recommend you stop listening to Preacher Wu all the time and think for you own for once."

Jongin opened his mouth to speak for a moment then stayed quiet and kept cleaning his rifle. Zitao did not dare look him in the eye.

He left the pub without another word and without the guilt he would have thought he had for leaving his friends behind. Making his way past the town with his belongings, which weren’t much, he received stares and glances from those who already knew he was on his way to the unknown, all of them could only be described by expressions of fear or pity. But Jongdae felt no fear, just an underlying, burning sense of bravery which grew weaker with each passing step through the dark woods. It was a two and a half hour walk through a forest so thick that he needed to carry a lantern. As he started to walk faster through the leaf covered path, barely touched by anyone other than the past servants who came and went from the castle for provisions.

Paranoia started to get the best of him as Jongdae could not help but wonder if all the stories about the white as snow, gargoyle-like beast was really true. He wrapped his coat around himself.

Night was falling and he needed to reach the castle fast before the wolves and foxes that ruled the night would find him. Jongdae grimaced, he should have called for a car to the castle, but the Kim Family were the only ones in the island who owned automobiles, he doubted that they would lend one for him to see their exiled son. A few minutes passed and he could already close to the castle. While small in size, the Kim estate had spared no cost in making it maintain the family grandeur. It was made of gray cobblestone yet painted with a maroon finish. The garden that surrounded it could not be described with anything other than cozy, something that he wouldn't really expect from a horrible monster.

When he reached the gate, Jongdae swore that he could hear music.

  
~*~

The castle was nothing short of a stone-built contradiction.

While the exterior, save for the garden, was made to menacing and dark, the interior was anything but. Art hung on the cream and white colored walls and the floor was either built from intricate mosaic designs or from the softest rugs he'd ever felt. Then again, Jongdae wasn't used to being around the richer folk, but he could not help but wonder how Mr. Joonmyun managed to get the money. Thankfully, the high butler, Oh Sehun, walked him through it.

The tour of the house was reaching its end. Jongdae's designated room was much nicer than his old one. A new bed for himself, as well as a desk and a wardrobe was more than he could ever ask for. The free meals were an immense bonus, which would save his grandmother some money with the added sum he would send him every week from his own pay. He would miss her terribly, but it calmed his heart knowing that, with this new job, he was sure he could afford the medicine she needed for her illness. Years of working in that textile mill had withered her lungs to nothing.

Jongdae heard a cough from next to him; the man was trying to get his attention back. Before he could give a hasty apology, Sehun continued. "He spends most days playing music for hours on end, it might seem irritating at first but it becomes quite relaxing. When he is not playing, he is reading. I can assure you he is far easier to deal with than what most people believe." The butler said in a calculated manner, but he would stumble in his words, it seemed as if he did not get the chance to say it quite often. "All the art on the wall he orders from the mainland as well as the decor. Once the castle was quite dull, but as Sir grew older, he made it look more comfortable."

"Did you know him as a child?" Jongdae asked, still looking at the decor.

Sehun stopped in his walk, turning to face his new co-worker. He pursed his lips. "No. I have worked with him for five years only, he was raised by nannies until he turned sixteen, I believe. He was alone for quite a while until his family sent me to help."

Jongdae quickly changed the subject, feeling intrusive. "Are you the only butler around?"

"Yes. I'm in charge of managing all the servants as well as accompanying Sir and helping him in his daily tasks, some might say I more like a majordomo but it's too light of a staff to have the title." Sehun grabbed a book from a stool and handed it to Jongdae. "But now the last task will go on to you."

"What do you mean?" Jongdae widened his eyes. "You mean, I'm going to be his valet? Sorry, Mister Sehun, I don't think I'm properly trained to do so. I thought I was only going to clean and such. Maybe help in the kitchen."

"Baekhyun is already in charge of cleaning. And our chef, Kyungsoo, much prefers to work by himself. There is one Lord and four workers, not exactly a difficult job. It is not as if there are people lining up to work for Sir, and we need a valet. I can't run the household and take care of all his needs at the same time, all you need to do as a valet is keep him properly dressed and keep his clothes properly pressed. Also, to keep him company. I can give to a proper lesson later on."

It's not like he has much of a choice. The pay would be much better than the kind he would make from simply sweeping the floors. "Of... course." Just then, he remembered he was holding a book and had not noticed what it was even about. It was small, not even leather bounded, and seemed worn with age. The cover read _'Sign Language for beginners'._

"As you may know, this is the only way Sir can communicate. Much like braille for the blind, this is for the deaf and mute." Sehun gestured at the book. "You will read this and practice with yourself and the other servants in your free time, you may consult me as well if you must. For now, Master Kim can simply write things down for you."

A loud bang came from upstairs that sounded like someone crashing their hands against piano keys repeatedly, not creating music at all but a chaos which died down a few second later. The frenzied notes became a calming melody once again, something he had never heard before.

"What in the world was that?" He asked, looking up.

Sehun seemed unfazed. "That would be Master Kim. Now, go and introduce yourself. See to his needs." He waved a hand at the staircase that led into a room Jongdae had not yet been introduced to. The castle was two stories high, only named a castle because of its architectural shape. Unlike Moonard, which was four stories high and held about forty different rooms, the castle only held ten. This included a small ballroom, the kitchen, the servant's quarters, the dining room, the library, Master Kim's room and... whatever this was.

All Jongdae was sure of was that the music grew louder with every step he took. He cleaned his glasses, trying to look as decent as possible.

Sehun has been kind enough to give him formal evening wear that had been ordered for him in advance when he applied for the job. The dress coats and trousers were a better choice than his battered coat and brown slacks, it would had been dreadfully embarrassing. Despite the fact that he was properly dressed, he couldn't help but ignore the fear pooling in his gut as he grew closer to the unknown melody. Jongdae knew Master Kim was behind the door, but all those years of rumors and gossip finally managed to get to his head.

No matter, he decided. If the man looked like a beast that everyone feared, he would not care. A sacrifice would have to be made if he wanted to care for his grandmother. With one last deep breath, Jongdae turned the doorknob and went inside what seemed to be a sitting room.

The music stopped playing the instant he entered but the man in the piano did not move away, instead he seemed to be writing something down in his note sheet. Even from the door, Jongdae noticed that the man was relatively short, possibly his own height, and had gentle brown hair that had been cut short at the back of his head. It could be no one else, this must be Master Kim. Before Jongdae could speak up, the man raised a shaking hand and gestured him to stand close to him.

As he walked, Jongdae gave his new boss a bow, but as he rose his head he freezed, looking directly at the Master Kim who had turned his head to face him with a smile.

Oh, how wrong had the townspeople been. Never in a hundred years would he had thought that he would find someone so beautiful.

No hunchback, no claws, no fangs. He was nothing like the stories he had heard but in fact the complete opposite. Everything about Joonmyun could be described as nothing other than elegant, from the way his wood colored hair fell into his face, just an inch from covering the man's eyes, to the manner in which he held himself, his back perfectly upright even when playing piano. His eyes were warm and inviting; he had the sort of smile that reminded him of the sunset.

Jongdae was not a poetic, eloquent man but he doubts that any poem he reads from now on will remind him of anything other than Master Kim. His boss. Oh dear.

The pale man kept looking at him with a questioning look on his face. Jongdae realized how long he had been staring.

"Good evening, Sir. I was the man who applied for a job two fortnights ago, Mister Sehun entrusted me as your new valet," Jongdae bowed again. "My name is Kim Jongdae."

Joonmyun's eyebrows rose up in surprise at his name, then turned into a seething frown. The man stood up and stomped to the other side of the room, leaving his new valet confused and not knowing whether he should follow the annoyed master. He noticed Joonmyun was writing hastily on a miniature notebook he pulled from his coat. Before he could blink, the paper was ripped from the notebook and pressed to his chest. Joonmyun pressed his face to his own hands and struggled to breathe.

_'I already told my brother that I would not allow any of my relatives in this home. Tell him he cannot spy on me anymore,'_ It read — once again had Jongdae's surname caused a problem.

  
"Sir, I can promise you I was not sent by Lord Kim to spy on you. Our relation is so stretched that I doubt your family knows of me." The valet nervously staggers in his place before reminding himself that he should stay calm, devoid of all emotion, he was a servant after all. "My mother brought scandal to their name, they would never ask me personally to work with you, no offense. I came here to work on my own accord and I intend on proving my best for you, Master Kim."

For a few pregnant moments, Jongdae did not know whether or not Joonmyun was going to look at him, but with a shaky breath the man managed to compose himself. Jongdae did not want to pry on personal affairs, but he did wonder whether or not Master Kim would have a rocky relationship with his parents, this only seemed to confirm it. Joonmyun moved his hands in the sign language that Jongdae still had not managed to learn.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I still haven't read my book." Jongdae said apologetically.

Joonmyun took a deep breath and exhaled a kind smile. Seconds later, he was handed a notebook with a new message on it. _'Alright. I believe you.'_

The notebook was taken from his hands before he responded, Joonmyun wrote yet another message this time, longer than the last. He supposed it could be tiring, waiting for sir to write down all his thoughts and comments during the first few weeks service, but Jongdae did not show it and instead waited quietly for Joonmyun to finish writing. Somehow his script stayed impeccable despite it being written in a haste.

 

_'My schedule of the day changes every so often but in time I have no doubt you will get used to it. This is my music room, as you can see from the assorted instruments around the area. I know, playing instruments is a womanly activity but I do love music.' —_

Jongdae stopped reading to laugh. "Why, that is not a womanly thing to do! Music is enjoyable for any sex, I used to dabble in singing."

Joonmyun couldn't help but give a faint blush; he looked down at his feet, slightly embarrassed.

_'—I am always here on my spare time. To be honest, I am not that interesting, it will be a simple job.'_

Jongdae shook his head. "Sir, this is by far the most interesting thing I have done in my twenty-two years of age. If it was not for you, I would be nothing more than a fisherman or still working at the mill."

_'Also, in order not to avoid confusion, I think I will address you as Jongdae instead of Kim.'_

Like the witty man he is, Jongdae could not help but joke at this. "Alright, Joonmyun." He teased. “Sorry, I’m new of this. That’s perfectly reasonable, Master Kim.”

Joonmyun could not help but raise his eyebrows once more, not of the sudden bluntness, but at the fact that it's been ages since he's heard his first name. He did not want to correct him.

Instead, the urged his new valet to accompany him to the dining room to plan the night's meal. Joonmyun could not help but release all the tension he held in his shoulders when he noticed the excited jump in Jongdae's heels when he walked.

  
~*~

  
Joonmyun could turn normalcy into a poem.

Days with Master Kim seemed to pass by slowly, but they seemed to blend in with each other until so easily that Jongdae started to forget what it was like having a job that he detested, like the odd jobs he would be forced to do along with working in the mill with his grandmother. One thing that Jongdae did not expect from the man was the fact that Joonmyun did not have a set schedule, as most noblemen would. Some days were dedicated to the castle expenses, Joonmyun would write on his diary and organize things that Jongdae could not understand no matter how much his boss tried to explain. Joonmyun gestured at the books that surround them in the library and he can see an entire section of books that taught economics, mathematics and every other subject Jongdae never had the chance to learn about in his handful of school years.

_‘Tell me, Jongdae, are you educated?’_ Joonmyun asked one day as he calculated how he was going to spend the monthly sum he received from his family.

“Well, I can read and write, but I haven’t read many books. Been told I’m pretty good at basic math, though nowhere as near as you. You barely had to use your abacus!” The valet responded as he refilled the noble’s teacup.

If he had to be honest, it all seemed quite boring, but Joonmyun enjoyed spending his days writing or solving some sort of mathematical equation off the top of his head. Jongdae would often clap in amusement when Joonmyun showed off his intelligence, never failing the make the man blush in pride.

Other days were dedicated to music and nothing else. Thanks to all the years he spent alone, Joonmyun refused to let his mind rot as the outer walls of the castle did, so he poured himself into learning all orchestral instruments along with his regulars studies. His hands grew calloused and strained from hours spent with his instruments, Joonmyun likes to wear gloves even when it's not cold to avoid from forming blisters. He is particularly talented in the piano, so much so that Jongdae has seen him make up songs on the spot that will get stuck in his head for the rest of the day. Jongdae had once heard that as a young boy, Joonmyun had a lovely voice. He can’t help but assume that he makes up for the fact that he cannot speak with the power of a melody, a universal language.

Joonmyun reaction to music were unlike those of any man he'd ever known. He treated all of instruments like a lover, each song like a gentle touch.

When there was nothing more to be done for the day, Joonmyun liked to invite the staff to the living room to watch him play the violin and, for at least thirty minutes or an hours, they can all forget the miserable weather and their own possibly miserable life. Everything that Joonmyun cannot say to reassure his employees it's transmitted through a soothing melody that even made Chef Kyungsoo crack a smile against his glass of whiskey.

Jongdae sat against the window, quite enjoying the sound of rain and thunder unlike his fellow staff. As a child, he loved storms, the adrenaline and rush would fill his body until he found himself playing outside and stomping puddles, waiting for his grandmother to eventually yell at him to come back inside.

The smell of his cigarette as well as the sound of laughter and conversation fill the room. These are the times when he can see Joonmyun truly smiling. When the rest of the staff gathered their things and returned to work or left the castle for their own personal matters, he didn’t have the heart to pry away Joonmyun from the living room, where he often sat against the window to stare down the mountain and to the far village. In times like those, Jongdae brought his afternoon meal to him. Joonmyun, not entirely bothered about maintaining the common rules about class and properness, enjoyed having Jongdae to eat beside him.

"Do you also like listening to the rain?" Jongdae said, attempting to break the silence. Not that it had been an awkward silence, but he enjoyed talking to his boss. "I find that there's no better way to fall asleep than to listening to raindrops."

_'I don't remember what it feels like to stand under the rain.'_ The noble signed after many moments of silence. Jongdae had been a quick learner and after a month of working he barely needed to consult his book anymore. _'But I suppose I enjoy it as much as I enjoy any sort of weather.'_

Jongdae stared at his teacup. "Would you like to remember?"

The other man did not respond, but Jongdae could see that he was clearly smiling. He continued to tap the glass to the scattered rhythm of rain, eventually starting to find a melody. Without a word, he moved to sit in front of his piano and played an entirely different song, possibly one he came up with at the spot. The notes resembled raindrops, it was so soothing that Jongdae struggled to keep his eyes open.

Before he fell asleep, Jongdae couldn't help but think that the song was being played just for him.

  
~*~

  
Two months had passed since Jongdae started working for the young Kim. Fall was drawing close, he had been rushed with the job of ordering winter clothes and managing the expenses of the castle with Sehun's help as well as the money that he would sent to his grandmother. The valet sat in the window seat, next to his boss, as the radio played softly in the background. Joonmyun had been adverse to buying the new contraption, new technology made him nervous, but now he quite enjoyed being able to listen to the music and the news as he wrote.

One thing Joonmyun hated, however, was the jazz music that started to play so often on the local station.

_'That isn't real music,'_ Joonmyun signed at his valet. _'Absolutely no structure. Americans have no idea on how to make music.'_

Jongdae couldn't help but laugh. "You're like an old man. You should be more open minded, sir. I rather enjoy it."

_'I of all people don't want to be caught enjoying what people call The Devil's Music. My reputation is ruined enough.'_

Silence filled the room in the most awkward of ways, they were sure that they could have cut the thick uncomfortableness surrounding them with a knife. Jongdae set his cigarette in the ashtray and stood up, bowing gently, "I apologize, I shouldn't had acted so friendly with you, Sir."

Joonmyun shook his head. _'Please, sit down again.'_

With a perplexed expression, Jongdae followed the man's orders. He was even more confused when it was Joonmyun who was looking apologetic. The nobleman fumbled with his hands, for a moment Jongdae though he was going to attempt to speak, but it wasn't long before he gave up and chose to sign again. He sought it best not to comment on it.

_'I should be the one who's sorry. My family treated me like a nuisance. My nannies treated me as if I was a deviant. My staff treats me like a thing that should be feared. Jongdae, you treat me like a person.'_ Joonmyun admitted, nervously fumbling with his hands once more after signing.

Jongdae had been a fool not to notice the rest of the staff's willingness to do everything Master Kim said, but their unwillingness to spend actual time with him. He wondered if they actually enjoyed listening to Joonmyun's music in the dining room, or were they pretending to enjoy it? Jongdae ran his fingers through his hair, desperate for another cigarette.

When Jongdae didn't answer immediately, Joonmyun's cheeks grew a more noticeable shade of pink. The nobleman covered his face, dreadfully embarrassed, and moved to the piano. Keys were played randomly, as if Joonmyun was trying to look for the correct notes to prepare for a song. Jongdae still did not speak, but he watched his boss intently, wondering what he was about to do.

The song he began to play a soothing yet playful atonal that could be described as nothing more than, well, jazz. The sound of the piano was loud enough to hear all around the small castle, and it was a refreshing change from the slow music that Sir usually played. Jongdae laughed, harder that he ever had done with the nobleman before. Now, especially at this moment, he could not understand how people could mistake this gentle and shy man with a beast.

"You ridiculous man, I knew you actually liked the music!" Jongdae laughed again and joined his boss in his piano seat. The valet did not press any keys thought, Jongdae was horrible at playing.

_'I do not, but I know that you really enjoy it. I have caught you dancing alone more than once to the radio when you fold my shirts.'_ Joonmyun stopped to sign, huffing in annoyance. He didn’t continue playing and instead moved his hands gently, almost signing a word but not quite letter it out. Jongdae did not rush him.

When the right words refused to escape Joonmyun’s hands, the noble threw his musical sheets to the floor. It was one thing not being able to speak, but not being able to communicate at all crossed the limit of his patience. Tears threatened to rush down his pale cheeks, but Joonmyun only gritted his teeth and hide his face from his valet, feeling weak and shameful.

“Come, sir. I have an idea.” Jongdae said in a soothing voice. He grabbed a coat, an umbrella and set his hand on his master’s shoulder, helping him walk out the door. It took a couple of minutes for Joonmyun to realize where they were going.

He pushed himself away from Jongdae’s grasp, ‘I cannot leave the castle.’ He signed furiously. _‘I haven’t left the castle in years.’_

The castle was the only place where he was truly safe and far from his own family. It could have been seen as the only act of goodwill from them. Joonmyun has not wandered farther than a few feet away from his own fence. The world that surrounds the stone walls of his home was completely unknown to him, all the business work he did was by letters and telegrams, how could Jongdae possibly expect him to leave.

"This castle is eating you from the inside. I really do think you need to go outside and look at Saint Carmen in all of its grandeur! Feel its strong wings, smell the ocean air." Jongdae rested a comforting hand on the noble's shoulders. "I am not forcing you to do this, but I am recommending it not as your valet, but as your friend."

Joonmyun had read about friendship in stories, he'd never imagined he'd hear the word being directed at him. He took a deep breath before signing, closing his eyes as he did. _'I've spent my life hidden between the pages of books and piano keys, I don't think I'm ready to go outside alone.'_

"You're not alone, Master Kim. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Joonmyun choked back a shaky breath and allowed his valet to put on his coat and scarf for him then followed the man out the door.

  
~*~

  
He had forgotten how cold outside was in the mountains, Joonmyun had always been so used to the comforting heat of the fireplace. He adjusted his red scarf until it covered half his face and wrapped his coat around himself even more. Jongdae, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the wind as they walked down the leaf covered path.

"Seems like there's too much wind for a picnic, but it's still enjoyable." Jongdae mused, but Joonmyun did not respond. He was far too busy looking around in case someone saw him.

Joonmyun pouted. _'Its too cold,_ ' He signed, but showed no signs of wanting to return to the warm comfort of his home and would rather feel his hands against the leaves and his face against the wind. Jongdae wondered how long it has been since he's felt nature.

Just then, a rabbit crossed their paths, possibly looking for its burrow.

A twinkle appeared in Joonmyun's eyes, Jongdae was sure of it. He mused on how much his boss looked like a rabbit sometimes, curious and quiet and sometimes quite messy (no one would expect it from a noble, but Joonmyun is terrible at picking up after himself. If it wasn't for his maid and his valet, his library would be filled with uneaten sandwiches and tea cups that are two days old).

_'I can see the village from here.'_ The paler man signed, staring down from atop a rock, a little too close to the edge. Jongdae couldn't help but grab on to his arm anxiously, Joonmyun only chuckled at this. His eyes were still twinkling, but with nostalgia and something that Jongdae couldn't quite read. Joonmyun continued to stare down at the village then at the ledge beneath his feet with a rush of adrenaline in his heart. No matter how much the noble tried to hide it, Jongdae could see a man that was desperate for excitement.

Apart from the obvious details that made Kim Joonmyun so interesting, reading the man seemed to be more and more difficult. Joonmyun is a master of camouflage. Not speaking gave him the advantage of not allowing anyone to know what he was thinking, not even Jongdae, who seemed to be the only person who tried to. Underneath all the layers and walls that Joonmyun built to defend himself from nannies and scathing words, he could be a little bit devious, and cheeky, and incredibly adventurous. If only he would have let his wall crumble now and then...

_'What is the village like?'_ Joonmyun asked after much nudging to his valet's arm to get his attention.

Jongdae stopped staring at his boss and darted his eyes to the way the sunset turned into an orange hue -- both were equally beautiful.

"It could be doing better, sir. It's beautiful and the people are generally happy and fed and all but... In the mainland there are laws that don't allow children to work for many hours at a certain age. There are rules that make sure that dust don't enter your lungs and that you aren't suffocating. My grandmother worked for years in that horrible mill trying to keep me alive, now I'm here talking away like a fool and trying to do the same for her..." His throat felt too tight as he spoke, Joonmyun only had to give him one look before he was handed a cigarette. Jongdae took a desperate drag and let himself calm down with shallow breathes and rapid blinking. He took his glasses and cleaned them with his scarf, trying calm down. It wasn’t always that he could admit this to someone.

Just moments ago he was wondering when Joonmyun would open up his walls to him and now the opposite is happening -- Jongdae is completely laid bare like an open book. "We don't got... We don't have that luxury in Saint Carmen. And yet your family throws grand balls every year."

The noble didn't respond, only stared back at his valet. With every waking second, Jongdae felt more and more guilty about his words until he realized how inappropriate they were. "Oh god, sir. I am so sorry, I did not mean to offend your family in that way. That was completely uncalled for."

Joonmyun shook his head _. 'It’s all right, that's just the first time I ever hear someone insult my family.'_

They stared at each other until a burst of mirthful laughter seemed to escape their mouths, until their chests feel heavy and the tears in Jongdae's eyes weren't formed by resentful memories. Laughing is the only time where Jongdae can hear what Joonmyun's voice may sound like, he promised himself to somehow make him laugh like this every day. God knows they both could use some laughter.

When their laughter became only escaped giggles, Jongdae noticed that Joonmyun was signing. _'To be perfectly honest, I don't get offended when you insult my family. We do not really like each other. They just keep me alive because they can't legally kill me.'_

The words were completely horrifying to Jongdae's ears, but Joonmyun only shrugged, still smiling. He's had years and years to accept his current situation; the fact that his family hates him didn't seem to affect him. The feeling was mutual.

_'I like your accent.'_ Joonmyun added in order to lighten the mood. His valet couldn't help but feel heat rising up to his cheeks. _'You should not have to change your voice for me. You know I don't care for most manners and pleasantries. As long as you are kind to me, I'm fine.'_

Jongdae held his boss's arm and helped him back to the castle; it was not a good idea to be up in the mountains at dark. Wolves and wild dogs were known to rule the night, especially during fall and winter.

_'I was a fool for not listening to you. You're right, I do need to get out of the castle more often.'_ Joonmyun signed, making the pair burst into a fit a giggles once more. When they arrived at the castle the first thing Jongdae did was hand Joonmyun his violin. He drew his chair up and listened to the comforting melody that the noble went along with as he played, for the only problem they still needed to solve that day was how to while away their bleak autumnal night.

  
~*~

  
"My grandmother send me a package this time." Jongdae said one quiet afternoon, excitedly ripping apart the box. Joonmyun stared at him with a curious smile.

Usually, the valet only received letters that he would enthusiastically read to his boss. Joonmyun liked the man's grandmother, she had a fierceness to her words that he could respect. Single mothers were already frowned upon, he can't imagine what sort of strength the elder woman had to form being a widowed grandmother and caring for her grandchild with no help at all.

She knew that the two of them had formed an unusual bond that a staff member and a noble would not normally have, thus making her quite fond of Joonmyun.

"She sent the recipe for her jam cookies! I'll be sure to tell Kyungsoo to make them today. And even more recipes, all of them, really. I cannot wait for you to try them." Jongdae chuckled, muttering to himself as he read her letter, making sure that it was alright for him to read aloud.

_"...Jongdae, when you speak of that man you describe him as if he is an angel. In your last letter you said that he was 'perfect'. Tell me, darling, are you in love?"_

He kept the letter to himself that time.

  
~*~

  
Working as a valet meant being at the beck and call of every single of your employer's needs, whether they really needed help or not.

Jongdae became a constant in Joonmyun's life to the point where his presence not only was something the noble had become used to but also to the point where it felt strange not having him next to him.

Living with someone who couldn't speak also meant that Jongdae learned to understand Joonmyun without need for speaking, simple quirks and habits became signals for him. Whenever Joonmyun scratched his thigh it meant he was hungry. A small, fake cough meant he was thirsty. When he saw Joonmyun scratching his neck nervously he would tell him it was time to put on some music until the lull of the gramophone helped the noble focus on his work again. He stopped protesting against playing jazz records in the background, Jongdae didn't know if it meant that he didn't care or if he finally admitted to himself that he enjoyed the music. Jongdae was considering buying him more records soon.

Excessive stretching and restlessness meant it was time for a walk, where he was free to calm his mind and his nerves. It became a ritual between them. With every walk, Joonmyun had started to wonder about the island that surrounding him, leaving Jongdae in charge of mapping and describing the island for his boss by words, at least for now. They never strayed from a few feet from the castle grounds; the harsh winter winds starting to cut into their skin no matter how much layers of clothing they wore. Thus they both decided to leave their evening walks on hiatus until spring, leaving Joonmyun as restless as ever.

Despite this, Joonmyun continued to write his his entries. Apart from writing music, the noble had been blessed with the talent of writing amazing stories, most of them were fantastical tales of dragons and beasts. Joonmyun claimed it helped him distract himself. Today, however, was clearly not a writing day. Without the option of walking, and Joonmyun had stated earlier that he was not in the mood to play any instrument, Jongdae was starting to feel his boss's restlessness bouncing to his own body.

He had an idea.

"Sir, would you care to dance?" Jongdae asked, his eyes twinkling. Joonmyun only gave him a confused stare, until he remembered that he owned a small ballroom that was collecting dust.

Every grand home should have a ballroom, no matter how little guests they received. Whether they used it to woo future companions or to just have a good time, every noble should be taught how to dance, it was just a matter of common etiquette. Jongdae was taught how to waltz by his grandmother many years ago, but his swing was far better than his step.

"Come on, I'm sure it'll quiet that head of yours, Master Kim." Jongdae held out his hand this time. Hesitant, Joonmyun took it, though Jongdae could feel sweat on the noble's palm.

Since it was barely used, the ballroom was not only filled with dust but also as dark as the night, despite it being the afternoon. There was only one window, Jongdae had brought a candle as well for safe measure. He doubted that they could ever install light bulbs in the castle, no one in Saint Carmen used those electric contraptions, as far as he knew, not even Moonard. Joonmyun stepped into the dim room cautiously, as if he was not familiar with a part of his own home, and had not noticed that he was still holding Jongdae’s hand. If it was darkness they would have to deal with, then let it be as extravagant and enjoyable as possible.

_‘I’m afraid I’m not very good at dancing.’_ The noble shrugged, getting into a standard waltz position. It surprised Jongdae that he was not put off by dancing with another man, maybe he was accustomed to dancing with men... Jongdae put that thought aside, it did not matter to him. Joonmyun, on the other hand, was praying that his servant couldn’t see his rosy cheeks or his beating heart in the dim light of the ballroom. He doesn’t remember the last time his hand was held.

The valet rested his free hand on Joonmyun’s waist, taking on the leading position. It was only then that he realized they had no music to dance to in the first place. There was no possible way he could carry the gramophone to the ballroom without looking like an utter fool -- and without having to let go of Joonmyun's hand. Thus, this left Jongdae with no other choice but to hum a song off the top of his head.

As much as he tried to keep a straight face as he listened to his valet sing with each step, it only took Joonmyun a few minutes before he burst out in a fit of giggles. _'This is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.'_

"Clearly, you haven't done a lot of ridiculous things." Jongdae snaps back, his ears burning. "Fine, I won't sing. We can just dance in silence or not do so at all."

Joonmyun shook his head. _'No, your voice is enjoyable. It’s just all a bit queer, that's all. Please, keep singing.'_

A peculiar kind of warmth spread through Joonmyun's chest. For a moment, he panicked, thinking it's a heart attack or some other sort of illness. Then Jongdae smiled down at him, a worried look on his face, and the noble realized he's happy. Joonmyun rests his head on his valet's chest and tried to grasp how happiness was possible with his current state. Joonmyun had forgotten how it felt like to have a glowing, burning reason to smile.

Jongdae ignored the burning in his ears and continued humming, stopping now and then to hiss whenever Joonmyun would step on his shoes. It was apparent that the noble had not been exaggerating when he said he was a terrible dancer. Jongdae was not annoyed by the man's clumsiness but he could see the growing irritation in Joonmyun’s face with each mistake. His face turned more grim by the step.

Eventually, Joonmyun let go again, batting his valet's hand away hastily in order to use his own. If the noble could speak he would be stumbling in his words, stammering. Since he could not stammer, his hands shook.

(Jongdae lost count of the times he’d try to imagine the man’s voice. He once heard that, as a child, Joonmyun had a beautiful singing voice. He imagined his voice would leave a flavor of tea and rain in the air.)

_'Minseok had always been a better dancer.’_ He signed, it's the first time he’d ever seen him mention his sibling. _‘Better at everything. He is the perfect heir, I was nothing but a disappointment.’_ Tears threatened to stain the man’s cheeks and Jongdae swore he heard a whimper. It broke his heart knowing that the only sounds that escaped Joonmyun throat were in his most emotional moments. _‘The perfect heir. No wonder my parents left me to rot in this castle without a second thought. They were the ones who led me to this condition in the first place.’_

_'I can't even dance without breaking into tears. Will I ever be allowed to be happy? What is the matter with me? I belong in an asylum.'_ He signed, holding back sobs.

His valet took a step forward, not knowing the proper way to console a crying noble. Could he hold him? Could he hold his hand? Would a pat in the back do the trick?

“What do you mean they led you to your condition?” He asked instead, wavering a hand over Joonmyun’s shoulders.

The man’s hands stopped signing completely and instead balled up to fists. He was still holding back his tears (he had gotten quite good at it) and staring blankly into space. It took Joonmyun many deep breaths to calm down. He left the ballroom without a word and locked himself in his room. Jongdae sighed and reminded himself to tell Kyungsoo that he would not need to prepare dinner for the master of the house that night.

He cursed himself for not consoling his boss in another way.

  
~*~

  
For someone who can't even speak, the castle feels quieter without Master Kim's presence. He had not noticed so accustomed he became to listening to music every hour of the day. If Joonmyun was not playing music, he was listening to it. Jongdae hummed to himself, trying to fill the room with his voice instead, but it was no use. Turning on the radio seemed like an insult. The other servants did not seem put off by their Master's absence in the slightest; they did not deserve to listen to the music that their boss enjoyed so much. And, to be honest, neither did his valet.

He only entered the man's room to bring him food and tea and to pick up the one he left before. The food was always untouched, the tea grew cold, but Jongdae did not dare speak a word to his boss about it. He left the noble in his slumber, thought Jongdae was sure he was only pretending to be asleep.

(If Joonmyun was already beautiful while awake, then he was positively breathless when he was sleeping. He would always curl up and hold his pillow close to his chest, like a child. It was possible that Joonmyun had never had the privilege of sleeping next to someone else. Jongdae could not say he had a lot of experience either.)

Two days had passed and it wasn't until the dead of night, when all the staff should have been sleeping, that Joonmyun left his room and wandered off to servants quarters (after tending to his aching stomach and bathing, of course) without anyone noticing. Or anyone caring, for that matter, he's sure that Kyungsoo had noticed him walk by. Nevertheless, he is their boss, they cannot send him away. With quiet steps he reached his valet's room, the one at the end of the hall. Truth be told, there were many more empty servant bedrooms free for Jongdae to take, but he chose the one that was farthest from the rest of the staff.

When he opened the door, leaving it ajar in case of a quick retreat, Joonmyun was surprised to see that Jongdae's room was a lot more different than what he had envisioned. The walls were empty save for a portrait of an elderly woman who shared the same cat-like grin as Jongdae, his grandmother most likely. The desk was cluttered with letters. Joonmyun looked away, already feeling too intrusive.

Originally, Joonmyun would have preferred leaving his own letter under Jongdae's pillow and leaving without having to confront his servant, but the man was a light sleeper. One must be a light sleeper when they're a servant, you can never know when something might happen in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, he mistook Joonmyun's slender hands for the ones of a thief, leaving Joonmyun with a hand around his throat and his back against the floor in the blink of an eye.

"J-J-J..." He choked, which woke up Jongdae instantly. With a horrified expression, he was let go of. Joonmyun stroked his neck and was just thankful that he did not need to continue speaking.

Jongdae could not even find the words to expressed how ashamed of himself he was. "Master Kim..." He stammered, pressing his hands to either side of his boss's face, making sure he was breathing correctly. Joonmyun's cheeks burned under his servant's hands. "I-I don't know how to say how sorry I am, sir. I thought you were a burglar. I did not expect you to wake up. You quite all right?"

 

Joonmyun coughed one more time and nodded, reaching inside his coat pocket to actually do what he had meant to do when he entered the room. Jongdae lowered his hands, embarrassed at the touch, and instead rested a hand on the noble's thigh. It didn't take long before he realized that he was only wearing his undergarments in front of a nobleman. Really, was there any end to his shame?

_'I could have you fired for doing that,'_ Joonmyun laughed, shaking his head. His hands were still rubbing at his neck. Thankfully, Jongdae had not pressed too hard against his skin. A letter was thrusted into his chest by a pair of shaking, slender hands. Jongdae could recognize his boss's handwriting instantly as he noticed that it had 'Please read me' written elegantly in the front.

Joonmyun's cheeks went pink, _'I had meant to give it to you while you were asleep. You asked earlier what had led me to my condition, I hope this covers it.'_

He stared at the letter then back at the noble. "Are you sure I can read this? I won't tell a soul, I promise."

_'I know you won't, I trust you.'_

Jongdae still couldn't believe that his boss was finally opening up. Christ, he needed a cigarette. It seemed that Joonmyun took a hint and place one in his mouth the instant he noticed his servant fretting. As Joonmyun looked for a match in his desk, Jongdae put on his spectacles and began to read:

  
_Dear Jongdae,_   


_I write this with weary, shaking hands, but it must be done. I have kept this secret for far too long. Then again, no one had ever bothered to find out, it was not that difficult of a secret to keep. I trust you. God help me, but I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone else._

_I hope that I am not mistaken in trusting you._

_As you may know, the story states that one day I was suddenly found by my mother who called for me but I did not answer back. At first, she thought it was just that I was acting like a child, but after she kept on bickering, I would not answer. I went from having a wonderful singing voice to not making a sound in the span of a day. Clearly, I was marked by the devil, thus making my family send me away to this castle alone to avoid more scandal. This story is just a ridiculous fallacy. I was never marked by the devil. Nevertheless, I do not doubt that I knew him very intimately._

_My father, Lord Kim, was a traditional man. He believed that children were to be seen, not heard. He also believed children of the Kim line had to be upheld to the highest manners possible starting on the day they learn how to walk. That was how my grandfather taught him, how my great-grandfather taught his son, and so on._

_Instead of learning how to jump rope, I was taught how to set a table. Instead of meeting other children, I had to meet Dukes and Lords. Instead of learning about the world around me, I learned about trading routes and maintaining the estate. The only friends I had were in my books. Terribly cliché, I know, but it was the truth._

_I figure my mother was against this sort of treatment, but she could not speak against it. In another world, she could have been a suffragette or even a leader, but we were both stuck with my father. I grew to resent him from a very early age. Since my mother didn't say anything, I grew to resent her too._

_Since I had no one on my side, I decided to take matters into my own small hands. It started with simple things like pretending I forgot to attend my classes, refusing to wear certain clothes, and other ridiculous childhood stubbornness. This continued for months, my parents grew increasingly tired with my actions, but I did not listen to my mother's pleads or to my father's yelling._

_Truth be told, I had never been an very talkative child, but my permanent silence did not start until I one day, during a very important ball where dozens of business owners and their wives were attending, I made a terrible mistake._

_I believed that if I showed my father that I was not interested in upholding his ridiculous ideals that he would change his mind and try to lower his ideals and expectations. The more I think about it now, the more I realize it was a idiotic train of thought. Due to the fact that I have tried to repress the memory for so long, the events of what I tried to are slightly blurry, but I will try to retell them as best as I can, not only for your knowledge, but for my own peace._

_As you may well know, my passion for music has always had a sacred place in my heart. Back then, my voice was my instrument, and my father had agreed to let me sing for the guests. I don't remember exactly what I had sang, but it was something extremely vulgar, possibly a song of pirates or drunk men. Everyone was in such shock that they did not stop me; I remember a sense of dread that filled my head with every continuing second that I sang. How could I have been so stupid?_

_My father was not a violent person, he would never hit a woman or a child, but when he dragged me out of the stage by my hand, his words hurt more than any beating could. I had embarrassed my family, lost him hundreds of pounds in the deals he could have made, and made him ashamed of calling me his son._

_They needed to get rid of me. The next day, when I wouldn't and couldn't speak, they had found a reason why._

_I theorize that my mother was the one who planted the idea of the devil taking away my voice to the pastor, she was always a religious woman._

_The castle has always been part of the Kim family, I read that it used to be where my great-great-grandfather was born. They renovated it during the entire scandal. I'm sure you can put to together the pieces. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I never sang that night. Would I be able to speak freely? Would I still be the heir to estate? Or would my parents still had found a way to get rid of me?_

_Nevertheless, I know for a fact that I would have never met you. At least something good came from this mess._   


_Thank you,  
Kim Joonmyun._

  
The first thing Jongdae noticed when he had finished reading was the fact that the noble had fallen asleep in his bed. He had lost track of time, he had never been a quick reader. As tired as he is from the emotional toll of the letter, there is no way that he can fall asleep along with his boss.

He felt a hand close around his fist. Joonmyun stared up at him with drowsy eyes, pulling him down to the bed beside him, gently. There was nothing to be said. The last thing Joonmyun needed was to be pitied because of his past life. His hands moved until he could run his thumb over Joonmyun's slender, soft hands. To think that all his life no one had bothered to caress him this was was unthinkable. His family did not deserve such an intelligent and brilliant man, he wanted to say, but what came out instead was, "You're so beautiful."

Joonmyun blinked once, twice, not being able to believe the words. People like him weren't beautiful, they were a nuisance. He closed his eyes. Even then, the words refused to come out.

_'Please don't leave me.''_

Jongdae leaned in and kissed the other man's temple. "Never," He promised, and blew out the candle.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minseok is an asshole in this, sorry.

  
Out of all the events that happened the past night, the strangest thing that Jongdae noticed was that sleeping next to Joonmyun felt natural. He had never had a better night's rest in that dreadful, lumpy bed before. When they awoke, they were curled up together in a manner that would give the Preacher Yifan a heart attack. Despite this, Joonmyun did not want to part his face from the curve of Jongdae's neck. He'd never felt safer anywhere else.

Jongdae, on the other hand, needed to get away from the noble's bad case of morning breath.

"Sir, have you bathed in the past two days?" He asked, carefully detaching himself from the other man's grip.

Joonmyun shook his head, laughing.

He gave him a fond smile in return. "I'll go run a bath, then. Kyungsoo said he was preparing fruit crepés for breakfast," Speaking of the staff... "You might want to get out of the room carefully, sir."

The paler man nodded and watched Jongdae dress himself, both of their cheeks turning into a rosy color. Joonmyun looked away, but he couldn't help but notice how handsome Jongdae looked in his morning suit, something he was so used to seeing. As the valet left to prepare the bath, Joonmyun made sure to run to his room without letting anyone see him.

They did not speak of the kiss nor did they mention the letter the next day. They didn't need to.

In all the romance novels Joonmyun had read, he thought romantic revelations began with a bang—a desperate press of lips, a heart-breaking confession, an overwhelming desire to simply graze your hand against someone else's. He'd never expected himself to fall in love with Jongdae so quietly and subtly that neither of them noticed.

Or maybe they did, because that day, Joonmyun did not complain when Jongdae played his favorite jazz station in the radio. He even allowed himself the pleasure of a cigarette as he played his piano along to the melody. Joonmyun didn't smoke, but Jongdae enjoyed how he looked with one caught between his lips. It did make him feel more masculine and confident, just like the ads in the newspaper said.

_'Lets take a walk.'_ The noble suggested later one night. It was freezing cold, and they were tired. Yet Jongdae would not have rather do anything else. "Of course, Sir. I'll get the jackets and scarves."

This time they walked farther than usual. Every time they had their walks, Jongdae could see Joonmyun always took a step further than the last walk. A few feet, an inch, he was sure that the noble would run down as far away from the castle as possible in a heartbeat, if he was allowed. The castle were like a pair of shackles that isolated him from everything, including himself.

Whenever Joonmyun walked away from the castle he would take the route to the town or to the ocean, never the one to Moonard.

At the sight of his boss's red and sniffling nose, Jongdae adjusted the man's red scarf to cover half of his face. It allowed him to stare at his eyes, always bright with wonder. He smiled fondly, "You must be freezing, sir."

_'Yes but its worth it. I can see the ocean.'_ Joonmyun signed.

Jongdae laughed. "You're not looking at the ocean, sir." He laced his hands with Joonmyun's and they fitted together perfectly.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that Joonmyun had never felt like this before, every time he looked at Jongdae his chest ached with something he couldn't quite describe. It was more than the happiness he had felt earlier. It was like standing too close to a ledge. Like singing during a storm. Like sleeping under the stars. It was terrifying and safe and peaceful and exciting. It was nothing like what he thought love would feel.

Jongdae had only fallen in love once before. He had been a fool to find Minseok beautiful once, but then he fucked the Island over and, by the effect of his ridiculous laws and orders, caused his grandmother to be in her current state. He could not find such a irritating and hateful person beautiful anymore. If Joonmyun ever found out of his past affairs, he would never hear the end of it, it would break the man's already fragile heart.

Feeling oddly guilty about his past actions, Jongdae trapped Joonmyun’s hand with his own and guided it to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the man’s pale knuckles. Joonmyun freed Jongdae’s hand and petted his hair, eagerly awaiting whatever his valet would do next. Jongdae stepped closer and counterbalanced Joonmyun’s chin between a curled index finger and thumb, which rested on the noble’s pink bottom lip, before—at last!—pressing Joonmyun’s lips to his own.

Joonmyun closed his eyes and gasped, the warmth of Jongdae’s tongue teasing his bottom lip, until the two were forced to detach themselves from each other. His cheeks were burning, he felt as if the snow beneath him would melt because of it. They did not let go of each other’s hands.

With one more quick kiss (Jongdae wouldn't dare do anything further than a kiss before marriage, which would never be possible. Then again, he was contempt with doing nothing more than kissing Joonmyun for the rest of his life.) and a promise of hot cocoa next to the open fire, they returned to the castle. To their home.

  
~*~

Jongdae knew his blissful days with Joonmyun were numbered, but he'd never expected them to end so quickly.

It all started a week after they admitted their love for eachother. Joonmyun had been playing the piano while Jongdae vocalized quietly next to him, picking up his master's last meal. He was eating normally again, thankfully. Everything seemed tranquil and perfect. That is until Sehun bolted into the room, doors swinging forcefully against the wall, with a sentence that Joonmyun thought he would never hear.

“Master Kim, Lord Kim is at the door.” He said, looking composed yet nervous, and clenching his fists at his side.

The noble stood up, then sat down again. Minseok was here. He covered his mouth with his hands. Minseok was here.

Jongdae hated the man with every bone in his body, but did not say a word and instead carefully eyed his master, making sure he wouldn’t faint of shock. After moments that seemed like hours, Joonmyun nodded in response, making Sehun rush to the door and leaving Jongdae and his master alone. (His lover? His partner? His companion? Jongdae didn’t know what to call it.)

He pressed a comforting hand to Joonmyun’s shaking one and, even if it was only for a brief second, it seemed to calm the man down. They two kept their distance once more as they heard footsteps getting closer.

Like most men of wealth, Lord Kim was confident and alluring, as well as elegant to the extreme. Yet he still retained a childish charm to his manners, making people either fall in love with him or jealous of his ridiculously pampered life. With a friendly grin, he took off his top hat and handed his cane to Jongdae, winking at him subtlety, before opening his arms to Joonmyun.

“Dear brother, its been ages since I’ve seen you in the flesh,” he began, his permanent smile stuck to his face in the way that made others swoon and made Jongdae gag, “Letters are really not the same, don’t you think? How are you?”

Joonmyun did not accept his embrace, but he did stand up. _‘Why are you here? You haven’t come to the castle in ages.’_

The Lord groaned dramatically, “Oh, brother, you know I don’t understand that hand gibberish.”

Now that the aura had become uncomfortable, Jongdae intervened, “I can translate for him. He asked what brings you to the castle.”

Minseok gasped, as if he was just now remembering why he arrived in the first place, and laughed. “Oh yes, of course. Well, as you and the entire island already know, the yearly ball is growing near. I’ve spent ages getting it ready and coordinated. The theme is the _‘The wonders of the snow’_ and there will be dancers from the north and chefs from the south. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get a Jazz ensemble to come to the island, but-”

Joonmyun cleared his throat, obviously bored with Minseok’s stories. Jongdae couldn’t help but smirk.

“Pardon me, I got carried away. Well, I was wondering if you, dear brother, would do me the honor of leading the Ball’s orchestra? Please, it would mean the world to me?”

Joonmyun stayed still, not quite sure if he was breathing, or if this was just a cruel dream. He had never traveled that far from the castle, he has not stepped foot in Moonard for over eleven years. This is not the reality he was expecting for himself. Instead, he finds himself in a room with the man he loves and a man that he is only connected to by blood and guilt. The only thing that felt real was the faint hum of the radio, playing music from somewhere in the south of America, where despite the war and the economy, the people managed to make beautiful and lively music. Joonmyun wished he were the same.

He signed something in response. “He says that he doesn’t know how to lead an orchestra, sir.” Jongdae translated, completely unaware of what Joonmyun was thinking and instead focusing on not glaring at the other noble.

“He can learn by reading, you must have some book about it in your gorgeous library. Not as big as the one back home, of course, but still gorgeous nonetheless. It can’t be that hard, it’s just waving a stick to and fro.” He checked his watch and frowned. “Will you do it? If mummy were here, she would want you to.”

Allowing himself to be guilted into agreeing, Joonmyun nodded again, staring into Minseok’s eyes for the first time in... well, this may as well be the first time he ever looked at his brother properly. Minseok returned back to his usual smile and took his hat and cane once more. Both of them know that Minseok could stay instead of traveling back to Moonard this late at night, but it remains unspoken, and it is clear that staying this close to each other for longer would lead to a mistake.

“Of course, your translator is invited to the ball as well,” he started to make his way out of the room, Sehun stood behind him to lead him out. “Or he can come as your date. It is up to you. See you soon, dear brother. Goodbye, Jongdae.”

Minseok’s voice had not changed, not entirely, but it was completely different. He still sounded kind and gentle, but beneath it there was something new. Something rather like steel.

  
~*~

  
“You shouldn’t go.”

Jongdae’s voice is like the eye of the storm during a hurricane. It is still raining, but not hard enough to feel as if he is drowning. Joonmyun looked away and pretended he didn’t listen, returning to his own thoughts. If he did not show up it would result in him disappointing the family name once more, and if he did, he had no idea how Minseok will act. Would he embarrass him? Or would he be genuinely kind and accepting? Joonmyun only knew his brother through stories and letters, he cannot know for sure.

He will not let his brother win so easily.

_‘I must,’_ The noble sighed and picked up his orchestrating manual, pretending he didn’t notice Jongdae’s worried expression as he walked away.

They barely interacted for days after that.

While Joonmyun kept himself busy by composing day and night, practically glued to his piano, his violin, and every other instrument that Jongdae wasn't familiar with, Jongdae was in charge of, well, everything else.

His first duty was making sure their tailor, whom Minseok had appointed from the mainland especially for this moment, prepared their suits on time. Luhan was extremely tedious, measuring every curve that they both held. Jongdae didn't blame him, Luhan was the one in charge of making Lord Kim's clothing, and he was notoriously known for always needs the latest fashion, which placed the poor tailor in a stressful position.

His cheeks, as they always would, had turned pink when he had helped Joonmyun change into his gorgeous new coat, adorned with golden embroidered details on his sleeves, and a sewn in lapel of a yellow poppy, the Kim family flower. Jongdae's own suit was simpler, it did not hold the flower in its lapel and the golden details were sown into the coat tails. Despite this, it was made obvious that their suits were supposed to the worn as a pair. Anyone who would look at them would know they were two sides of the same coin.

His other duty was contacting the orchestra that would play the song Joonmyun had composed. Jongdae had to travel to Moonard in order to use their telephone, not only did Joonmyun not feel ready to come back but he also refused to use the new contraption.

_'It's impossible. There is no way that you could hear someone that far away.'_ The noble had signed.

Jongdae had tried to explain the mechanics of it to him, which he had read in the newspaper, but Joonmyun only huffed and picked up his violin again. His valet laughed at his stubbornness and decided to leave it at that, putting on his hat to make his way to Moonard.

It was almost an hour horse rise to make a short call, but Moonard had one of the only three telephones in the island. When he arrived, he was greeted by Lord Kim instead of the butler of the house, which he found unusual, but spared the pleasantries that the Lord had offered and went straight to the telephone. The call had not lasted more than twenty minutes, but it felt like eternities as Minseok watched him intently the entire time, touching his lips now and then as Jongdae spoke, possibly trying to seem seductive, but the valet paid him no attention.

When he finished, Minseok stopped him again, "Would you like some tea before you leave? It is an hour ride back to the castle. I'd like to catch up."

As much as Jongdae would have rathered decline the man's offer, his stomach begged to differ. "Yes, please. Thank you, sir."

The lord grinned and clapped his hand for a maid, asking her to bring tea and sandwiches for the two of them. They made their way to the sitting area, which was surrounded by that Jongdae was sure Minseok never read nor touched. He sat in the chair opposite to his host, thanking the maid for his tea.

"It’s imported from India, you know. One of the best in the world. My coffee is imported from Puerto Rico, I find Colombian beans too overhyped." Minseok began, draping his body over his chair, strong legs spread apart. Jongdae simply hummed into his tea.

The Lord licked his lips, "Remember how I would go into town just to see you in the pub you worked in? Then you started working in the barber, and I would insist on getting dreadful haircuts just to look at you. Ah, memories."

"Yes, I do remember," Jongdae placed his cup on his saucer. "You were a constant presence in my life for a long time."

_'You would flirt with me because I was also of Kim blood, thus is was technically allowed, and we would do unspeakable, sinful things in the farthest corners of the woods, then would leave me only a few minutes after, claiming that I would never be a true Kim. And I allowed it, I allowed you to say those horrid things."_ He gritted his teeth, aching to let those words fall from his mouth, to see shock and embarrassment in the Lord's smug face, but he bit his tongue. This was not about him.

Minseok smirked, "I must say, I was surprised when you took your position in my brother's staff. I thought you would work for me, and we would be inseparable."

"I prefer working for your brother." It was the most polite way of saying that Jongdae would rather die than working for him.

Lord Kim was not only a noble man but a diplomat and a politician. After many years of training from his beloved father, he knew how to get under people's skin, how to get what he wanted. "A little birdy tells me that you and my brother are quite close. You're his first friend. Or maybe you're something... more intimate."

Jongdae gulped, trying to think of ways that he could get himself out of this situation, but there was no use. Minseok knew. The jealous bastard knew.

"I have to follow the law of confidentiality that comes with the job, my Lord.” The valet responded hesitantly, wishing he had a cup of tea in his hands to distract him from the man in front of him, but Minseok’s stare burned into his entire being, leaving him breathless and terrified of the man. He swallowed, trying to look away.

With a quirk to his lips, Minseok took a long sip of his tea. “The law doesn’t apply to the family, Jongdae. But I will only ask one thing, and I beg you to stay truthful.”

Jongdae took a deep breath then nodded, falling right into the man’s trap.

“Do you love him? Do you love my brother?” He asked calmly, as silence filled the room, forcing Jongdae to speak.

“Yes...” Jongdae admitted, both to Minseok and to himself. “Yes, I do. I love your brother, my Lord. God help me.”

Minseok stayed still for a few eternal seconds, then nodded in agreement. He stood up, and like the gentleman he was taught to be, helped Jongdae to his horse. “It was lovely to see you again, Jongdae. Make sure my brother gets here on time.” He hummed, and took Jongdae’s hand without waiting for it to be offered to him. The noble pressed a kiss to Jongdae’s knuckles, which was longer and sloppier than it should have been. Jongdae could probably live his entire life without being able to forget the sensation of the uncomfortable contact. He pulled his hand away, and after giving the Lord one last nod, rid the horse back to the castle, desperate to see Joonmyun again.

  
~*~

 

"Calm down, you don't need to be nervous." The valet mumbled, adjusting his master's suit for the third time as they rode in their assigned royal carriage to Moonard.

_'Why would I be nervous?'_ Joonmyun signed—nervously. Jongdae frowned at him, and decided that it was impossible to calm the other man down. Instead, he tried to distract him.

He quirked his lips, "You look so beautiful in this, Luhan made it perfect for you. You look like snow and fallen ash, and I can't wait to show you off."

Despite blushing deeply, Joonmyun raised an eyebrow. _'Snow and ash?'_

"You're skin is pale and your suit is pitch black... Never mind, poetry isn’t my forté anyway." He responded, making Joonmyun smile back at him, his body felt less tense.

He looked out the window, wondering how he could come up with a reasonable excuse to miss the ball. The only one Joonmyun could think of was if the carriage fell of the cliff they were so close to.

It seemed at mother nature made a special agreement with Lord Minseok, because just like the Yearly Ball's theme, snow as pure and clean at the clouds of heaven seemed to adorn the mountains of Saint Carmen. Unlike the harsh waves that battered the town during winter, the mountain was quiet and ethereal, as if God had given the island a special place to escape from where the townspeople wouldn't have to suffer the sea's rage, but instead a family stole the natural beauty for themselves.

They arrived at Monard not long after that. The manor was immaculate despite the harsh cold, a part of the staff was in charge of keeping the snow from the entry of the castle during these events. Jongdae stepped out first, making sure that Joonmyun wouldn't step on anything that could ruin his appearance, and held out his hand for the noble to steady himself. When Joonmyun did take his hand, Jongdae did not let go even after he had managed to get out of the carriage. He pressed a quick kiss to Joonmyun knuckles in reassurance, causing the other man to let out a breathy sigh that formed a cloud onto the winter cold.

Once he was sure that Joonmyun was visibly calm, he grabbed his master's sheet music in one hand and laced his arms with Joonmyun's with the other. There were dozens of other guests entering at the same time as them, they were barely noticeable amongst the mass of people. It was comforting, but Jongdae knew it wouldn't be long before someone recognized-

"At long last, brother! Its been ages. Tell me, has it changed much since you were a child? I was born after your... unfortunate departure, I wouldn't know." Lord Minseok yelled out not only to Joonmyun but for all to hear. All attention turned to them, low murmurs started to fill the room as they waited for the man's answer. Jongdae pressed a reassuring hand to his Master's shoulder.

After Joonmyun gave his answer, leaving some guests confused about what he was doing with his hands, Jongdae raised his voice, "He says that it looks exactly the same."

The nobleman glanced up and down at the pair, grinning as he found something amusing. “You two match very well, don’t you?”

Before either of them could respond, Minseok was taken away by the hands of a very regal looking woman, possibly by the mainland, who begged for him to entertain her, leaving his brother and the valet alone. “Well, they have food. Let’s grab something to eat.” Jongdae mused, taking his master’s arm and dragging him across the hall to the food tables. Joonmyun seemed to be in a state of shock, staring at his surroundings curiously like a child. He had lied, the Manor had changed drastically since he left. For once in his life, he felt it was comforting.

It was obvious that Minseok had spared no expense, Jongdae thought, as he devoured some of the finest shrimp he’d ever tasted, while Joonmyun calmly drank a cup of french champagne. The walls were decorated with fake snow that shined like diamonds while the twelve pine trees that stood like giants in the room were adorned from head to toe with christmas decorations. Dozens of people danced to the jazz band that played loudly, especially the younger guests.

Joonmyun excused himself, desperate to go somewhere quieter, where he could make some last minute arrangements with the orchestra. It was still another three hours until they performed, but Joonmyun needed to make sure that it would be perfect, it was his last chance to do something right. He walked up the stairs, remembering the layout of the house without any trouble and trying not to attract attention. He looked back and noticed that Jongdae was still immersed in the shrimp and laughing along with a large, older man next to him. He would be fine, the last thing Jongdae needed was to stand another minute of his sulking.

Joonmyun strode past his old room and to the library, where he agreed to meet with the orchestra to practice. While confused about his muteness, the rehearsal went well, and it was obvious that they were optimistic about the song he had written. The more he was praised, the redder his face became, forcing his to shake his head and smile in humble refusal. After about an hour of last minute changes and directions, Joonmyun did not have any more excuses to stop the musicians from enjoying the ball as well. They stood up, all bowing in respect as they went out the door, and left the noble alone in the middle of the library he enjoyed so much as a child.

All the books were exactly as untouched and forgotten as he remembered. He supposed that Minseok wasn't as big as a fan of reading as himself. Then again, they were not alike in anyway. He was stronger, charismatic, attractive and the epitome of elegance and masculinity.

He was also leaning against the doorframe, staring at his brother with an expression he couldn't read, but made him feel like a baby animal caught in a storm.

"What are you doing here, dear brother?" He strode to the middle of the room, looking at his sibling as if he was a lost child. "I've barely seen you at the party. It’s a pity, I was looking forward to introduce you to everyone. Jongdae seems to be having fun without you, though."

Joonmyun shrugged and began to sign, but caught himself once he remembered Minseok wouldn't understand him. His brother, however, laughed.

"Oh, did you really expect me not to know sign language? Of course I do, I just wanted to see your valet speak." He rested a hand on his brother's shoulder and led him out the library, not caring if Joonmyun wasn't particularly pleased with the idea. "Continue your thoughts, dear brother."

As much as Minseok's strange fascination with Jongdae made him uneasy, he decided not to dwell on it, _'I wanted to make some last minute changes to the orchestra. And I'm not too keen on dancing.'_

"This is a ball, dear brother. I'm sure your valet would enjoy a dance, unless he's not too keen on dancing with you."

Joonmyun gritted his teeth. Of course Jongdae would enjoy dancing with him, wouldn't he? As the walked down the stairs along with his brother, Joonmyun looked down to find his valet happily dancing along to the jazz ensemble with a woman in those new flapper outfits. She seemed beautiful and Jongdae seemed completely distracted by her.

Minseok chuckled, “Well, that’s a pity.”

Whatever else his brother was about to say was cut off by Jongdae, who had just noticed him, “Sir, I was looking for you. Come on, dance with me. Y’know you like this song.” Jongdae’s cheeks were flushed, possibly from dancing and the wine that was being served, and as gleeful as always. Joonmyun shot a smile back to his brother and accompanied his valet to the dance floor. Both the woman Jongdae had left alone and Lord Minseok glared at him.

Jongdae did most of the moving around while Joonmyun allowed himself to be swept about the ballroom, glancing down at his partner’s feet and thankfully not stepping him this time. The sounds of brass instruments and uptempo beats of the finest jazz bands straight from the deep south of the United States filled the room, along with the smell of cigarettes imported from the Caribbean and delicious food directly from France. Everyone else was oblivious to the two of them, while Joonmyun was oblivious to all of his surroundings except for Jongdae, who danced away while holding his hands and back with such tenderness. “See? Not too shabby, sir.”

Joonmyun blushed, secretly wishing there was a slower song they could dance to.

Time seemed to go by too quickly. Jongdae’s presence seemed to change both time and logic, it had felt like he danced for hours as well as it felt like he only danced for seconds. It wasn’t until Minseok had to step in to tell them that it was almost time for the orchestra to play that he remembered where he was, and what he was here for. He was not here to fall in love with Jongdae all over again, which he couldn’t help but do, Joonmyun was here to prove a point. To show the Saint Carmen that he can be worthy of holding the Kim name, but not defined by it.

Jongdae squeezed his hand and balanced his world, then let him go, watching as the other man hid behind the stage.

  
~*~

  
The lights dimmed as the crescendo of the orchestra started to rise above all the guests's murmurs and whispers. Minseok, making the biggest effort to show off his wealth, had made faux snow fall from the ceiling as Joonmyun walked to the stage, earning him a round of applause from the guests. They were all aware of who he was, he was sure of it, as the applause sounded distant or cautious. The guests were more interested to see if he would embarrass his family again, along with the scattered few who still wondered if he really had the mark of the devil.

The noble bowed, his hands shaking beside him, as he gestured for his interpreter to come by the stage. There was less applause for Jongdae, most people were obviously unaware of who he was. Ignoring this, Jongdae glanced at his boss's hands as the man signed and started to speak in his place to the audience with a smile.

"Ladies and gentleman, thank you for coming. The ball has wondered me to no end, as I am sure that my brother has once again wowed you with his talent for organizing such events as he has, from what I’ve heard, shined through for the pasts years as the Lord of Saint Carmen. This is a very special night for me, it is the first time I step foot in this house in years. As so, I have poured my heart and soul into writing this piece for all of you."

"I call it ' _The promise of snowfall_ ’, since that is what we are celebrating this night. And my, God has given us a lovely snowfall today," Jongdae stopped as he gave Joonmyun a moment to glance out the window the smiled down at his audience, both adrenaline and nervousness filling him with joy.

Jongdae continued, "Music has given me the voice I never had the courage to show. I hope you all enjoy it." The leaves the stage, leaving Joonmyun and his orchestra alone to commence the show.

Gentle notes drift from the pianist and are then accompanied from the harp and the xylophone, creating the illusion of snowflakes falling onto the earth, until an eruption of wind instruments and the strings turn the snowfall into a blizzard. Minutes passed by, the audience was completely ruptured by the performance, as the instruments die down and only leave the harp and the piano, who complement each other like lovers dancing, forgetting the avalanche and creating a gentle snowfall that left the room breathless.

Everyone, including Minseok, forgot about the blizzard of their lives and focused only on the music that eventually stopped completely. Joonmyun felt as if he had forgotten how to breathe entirely as he turned around and bowed to the explosion of applause that seemed more beautiful for Joonmyun ears than any other song he had heard.

He left the stage, bowing over and over again to anyone who congratulated and thanked him for his piece, and rushed to a empty corner where he found Jongdae, who's eyes were stained with tears.

"I loved it," He said simply, wiping his red eyes in embarrassment. "It was beautiful. I couldn't be more proud of you, sir."

Joonmyun grabbed his lover's hand and dragged him to a empty room that only had a single candle to illuminate it. It was a storage room for the butler and footmen, if Joonmyun remembered correctly. He rested his hands on either sides of Jongdae's cheeks and kissed him, far deeper than he had before, almost sinfully, pressing his lips to places in Jongdae neck where he'd never had before. The other man stifled his laughter behind breathless gasps.

He needed to stop before he did something unspeakable in a home that wasn't even his. It was the adrenaline's doing, Joonmyun was well aware of this, so he parted away and pressed his head to Jongdae's own, both of them laughed like schoolboys who got away with breaking a rule.

 

"Thank you," Joonmyun said barely above a whisper, his voice harsh and unused. "For everything."

It certainly wasn’t the first time Jongdae had heard his master speak. Slowly but surely was the man regaining the strength to show his wonderful voice again. So far, Jongdae had been the only one to hear it. His words sounded like a winter breeze, Jongdae mused, as he felt chills trail down his spine as he replayed Joonmyun gratitude in his mind over and over again.

A knock on the door broke them apart, but there was not much subtlety they could pretend to have when being caught in a closet together in the dark.

Minseok's calm expression made Jongdae look away from the door, he remembered that face as it had disappointed him so many times before. "Sorry to interrupt. I must speak to my brother alone."

Joonmyun was certain that it was not to congratulate him.

  
~*~

  
"Dear brother, you must end this. He is taking you as a fool."

Joonmyun slumped on his old chair, a glass of whiskey in his hand, as his brother's scathing words filled the room of the library. There were still hours left until the ball ended, and knowing his brother's habit of rambling on, he was sure that he would never stop. This time, however, Minseok's words were calculated and planned, he kept silent when waiting for a response from his brother. Joonmyun couldn't look at him, let alone move.

He shook his head, closing his eyes and wishing that the ground would swallow him whole. All the excitement he had gained from his performance had been exchanged for pure, misery. The kind that Joonmyun was already accustomed to.

Minseok scoffed, "You seemed so keen on speaking back when you were alone with him, and now you won't utter a word! Hypocrite."

Even if Joonmyun wanted to lift his hands to sign something, he was interrupted by Minseok's voice, "I tried to give you another chance to enter this family. But now I see why father really locked you in that prison. You are an idiot. So naive. Once again, another Kim has fallen for Kim Jongdae's deceit."

Joonmyun raised his head at this. He placed his drink on the table and sat up, face paler than usual. _'What deceit?'_

The Lord chuckled, "Did he not tell you? He pretended to be in love with me once. Why, I was smitten. He is far too easy to fall in love with, especially with his smile and his kindness. But it was all a ruse. He used to take me into the forest when I went to the village and we would sin. Oh, if the preacher knew of the things we done..." He reached for his handkerchief to dab at his eyes, though Joonmyun was not sure of he saw tears escape from them.

_'Jongdae would never do something like that. He hates you.'_

"Of course he hates me! I refused to marry him and ensure him a spot in my inheritence." Minseok look at his brother with a face of pity. "His goal is to marry you and leave you penniless. It was all fake."

_'No one could fake what we have. Minseok, stop. For once, I am happy. Allow me to savour it.'_ He begged, clutching at the sleeves on his brother's suit.

The Lord's expression became darker. "Then the rumours are true. You are the one who manipulated him, like the demon you are." He snarled.

Joonmyun shook his head desperately. It was happening again. Minseok did share a striking image with his father, who he couldn’t help but imagine that was standing right in front of him instead of his brother. He wanted to scream until his throat felt raw.

"I won't allow Moonard to be polluted by the likes of a sinful, vanished son. You have cause this family enough embarrassment..." Minseok pulled his arms away. "To think that somehow you have manipulated the man to have feelings for you is unbearable."

_'I never manipulated him. Just because you don't know of love doesn't mean I can't.'_

"Of course, to be able to manipulate someone you must be able to speak!" Minseok stopped to laugh at his own joke before he continued, finding the whole ordeal amusing unlike his brother, who is terrified. "But am I to believe that you made him fall in love with you by the power of your music? With your non-existent charm? Dear me, brother mine, this is not one of the stories you hold so dear."

_'He loves me, I am quite certain of it._ ’ Joonmyun dearly wished he wasn’t alone right now. _‘Minseok, I believe I love him too. Do not let jealousy blind you when we were just starting to make amends.'_

"Quite certain? Quite certain? How can love speak and bloom if you can't even find the words to express it? Are you deaf and blind as well? Can you not see that the only reason that he loves you is for your connections and heritage? An exact copy of his mother, it had always been painfully obvious."

Joonmyun shook his head, trying to drown out the words.

Minseok refused to stop. "If you are to be wedded first, you would inherit the estate as you are the eldest brother, that's how the law goes. Stop being such an idiot, you of all men should know how to be accustomed to feigned love, especially after dealing with mum and dad."

What happened next still remains nothing but a blur in Joonmyun’s memory, but he remembered how the blood leaked out of Minseok’s nostrils and how ridiculous the man looked like with a broken nose. He had never in his life harmed another human being, yet he was more surprised in himself that he didn’t do it sooner.

Minseok whined in pain and pressed a handkerchief to his face. He had never been showed disrespect, never had anyone treated him with anything other than blind worship. He threw his head back, “You imbecile, I can’t go out there like this! I’ll be ruined!”

The eldest brother took his time to clear his throat, “N-Not as ruined as I’ll ever be.” It did not come out as strongly as he wished it had, but he did not blame himself, his vocal cords were not accustomed to it quite yet. His voice sounded hoarse and shaken.

Minseok stared at him and gritted his teeth. He remembered how their mother used to look out the window to the barely visible castle, and would often tell him how beautiful his brother’s voice was. He would always brush it off, believing her to be too sentimental and ridiculous. She had not been wrong, his brother’s voice was indeed beautiful. Minseok couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“I could vanish you from Saint Carmen. I have the power to do so. No one would miss you.” Said the Lord. Joonmyun did not seem affected by the threat in the slightest. Only hours ago had he ached for becoming part of his brother's linage once more, he had ached for it. Once again, Joonmyun could not bare to look at Moonard anymore. His nannyy once told him that he must always forgive, that resentment was a sin. He cleaned Minseok's blood from his knuckles in distain, realizing that he would most likely resent his brother for the rest of his life and he was perfectly fine with it.

“Then so be it. I found my family with Jongdae. Neither of us want to be known as Kim's ever again.” After having a taste of the extravagance and the strength and selfishness that came with it, he did not want to end up being the power hungry man that his brother had become. In another life, they could become friends. This life, however, he can’t look at his brother without feeling anything other than distain.

For once in his life, Minseok stayed silent.

Overwhelmed with how much he had spoken for the day, Joonmyun went back to his old habits, and decided to sign for the rest of the night. Possibly the rest of the week. ‘I only ask that you answer one thing,’ He began, making sure Minseok was looking at him. ‘ _Did Jongdae really ever love you?’_

Minseok’s face was unreadable save for the brief hint of a smile that escaped his lips. “Yes, he did. But what I said about him being like his mother... that was a lie. He’s just as naive and lovesick as you are.”

Without another word, Joonmyun left the room, leaving his brother inside with a broken nose without a second thought, and decided that he would enjoy his last nights in Saint Carmen as far away from the castle as possible. The guests has been blissfully unaware of the whole ordeal, most of them barely noticed that their host was away. Jongdae, however, appeared to have been incredibly anxious as he locked eyes with his lover. He relaxed instantly and took his hankerchief from his coat pocket, wiping away the blood from his knuckles.

Before Jongdae could ask what had just happened, Joonmyun pressed finger to his lips to silence him and smiled. _‘I want to go. Could you arrange the carriage for us, please?’_

The valet raised an eyebrow and nodded. He had originally expected them to stay for a few nights before leaving for the castle, but he did as his boss wished. They head out to the carriage in the now dark and snow filled night, listening to the waves hit the shore as they looked down the mountain, before Joonmyun was stopped by the old, large man that Jongdae had been talking to before.

“Mister Kim, what a delight to meet you. I couldn’t let you leave without saying how much I enjoyed your piece.” He said as he took a large drag from his cigar. “Your partner here was a delight at well. You two were the best part of the whole ball, if I’m going to be completely honest.”

Joonmyun bowed in gratitude and signed _‘thank you_ ’, which Jongdae translated for the man.

“I wanted to give you an offer, Mister Kim. Not many people know who I am, but I work for the Royal Symphony Orchestra back in the capital. I was wondering if you’d like to come over and show us a few more of your pieces. You could even get a permanent position, if you’d like. From what I’ve heard, all you do in that castle is write music, now you can do that and get some money from it.”

“I could play for Her Majesty's orchestra?” Joonmyun said in disbelief, breaking his promise not to speak.

The old man laughed, “Ha! I knew you could talk. Now I won five quid.” He shook his head, “Yes, that very one. What do you think? I could find you a good place to stay in the city. Mind you, it's quite different from his Saint Carmen, nowhere nearly as quiet.”

Jongdae stared at his lover, awaiting as response, but Joonmyun seemed to be frozen in place. He could leave Saint Carmen, leave his legacy and reputation as a burden and have completely new life in a place. Joonmyun opened his mouth and closed it again. He didn’t mother singing, all he had to do was give Jongdae a fond smile and valet knew exactly what he meant with it.

“Master Kim says he’ll take it. And he’ll need a valet, of course, so make sure you make space for one more.”

_‘Two more,’_ Joonmyun stated as Jongdae translated, _‘And she’ll need her own room, if its possible. Jongdae’s mother is ill but recovering, but she must not be left alone here.’_

Jongdae’s hand slipped against Joonmyun’s and held it tightly.

The old man threw his cigar to the snow and nodded, “Of course, that could be arranged. I’ll send you all the details tomorrow. Goodnight, Mister Kim.”

After exchanging their good-byes, all of the shock and adrenaline he had experienced during the day seemed to finally reach him as two of the sat in the back of the carriage. Joonmyun yawned and rested his head on his valet’s s chest, deciding he’ll use the two hours of travel to the castle to rest. But first..

“Jongdae,” He began, enjoying how the name rolled off his tongue. He felt the other man’s heartbeat quicken and laughed. “I forgot to tell you, you’re fired as of today.”

The poor valet seemed to be lost for words.

“I-I... did not finish. You’re fired as my valet and you’re free to be my... partner, officially. We’ll live as equals now, I don’t want people mistaking you for my valet. No more of that ‘Master Kim’ nonsense. Call me by my name, and I’ll call you by your own.”

If he wasn’t so entranced by Joonmyun’s voice and still in a state of shock, Jongdae swore he could have fainted by sheer happiness. It wasn’t long before his boss—no, his partner—fell asleep on his chest for the duration of the ride back to the castle. As much as Jongdae needed to plan their upcoming move to the city, the fact that he needed to prepare letters of recommendation for the rest of the staff, and how they were going to organize all of Joonmyun’s instruments and books into what he assumed would be a much smaller home, he couldn’t focus on anything other than the way his name slipped out of Joonmyun's mouth as he slept.

 

 

Epilogue   


  
Once the maid had been dismissed for the evening, Joonmyun picked his violin and played in the middle of the room, a random composition forming in his head which he could eventually use for a piece. He didn't like the maid work for too many hours on end, not only was she young, but he didn't enjoy being reminded of the days he would wallow away with only the company of his staff to keep him company. Jongdae wrote wonderful letters of recommendation, he hoped they were working in a happier place. The castle was nothing but a memory now, last he heard the man he had sold it to was thinking of making it into a hospital. If he had kept all of the money that he gained from selling the property he could have afforded a much more grandeur home than his current flat, but he could live in the bottom of a bridge if it meant he could spend the rest of his life with Jongdae. The townspeople of Saint Carmen needed the money, anyway.

He glanced at the clock, only less than an hour until his partner returned from work. Jongdae had gained a minor position as a secretary for General Choi Minho, a good dear friend of Joonmyun that he had met after a concert. As glad as he was that Jongdae had found a respectable job, he wished that time would go faster. As Jongdae had eloquently put it, he had the tendency to be 'needy for attention, like a house cat'.

He has no idea how long he spent playing, he would occasionally stop to jot down a note on the paper next to him, until the minutes turned into hours and his brow started to frown in worry as Jongdae was nowhere to be found.

A bell ringed as the door to Jongdae's Grandmother's flat was opened below them, a breath of relief escaped his lips. No one entered Miss Kim's flat except the two of them. Joonmyun hid the worry off his face and pretended not to notice as Jongdae entered their home.

"Dear me, what a day," The man began, scrambling to take of his jacket and serve himself a glass of brandy. "General Choi has me working up the wall, I've had to write so many letters. Working for you seemed so simple compared to this." He adjusted his spectacles and realized that Joonmyun had already served him a glass of brandy for him, as he always did.

"Grandmother keep trying to stand up for longer than she's allowed to. No matter how much I tell her to lay down, she stubbornly refuses." Jongdae shook his head fondly and pressed a kiss to his lover's cheek. Joonmyun's cheeks turned pink even after all this time.

"I'm so tired, come to bed with me." Jongdae whispered, letting out a yawn.

Joonmyun nodded and offered and quiet "Yes, please." Over time, Joonmyun had grown accustomed to speaking, slowly gaining the strength to do so normally. Yet, with Jongdae, he became embarrassed and nervous when he spoke, as he remembered all the time Jongdae called his voice beautiful in all kinds of situations. He was still the only person who had heard him sing in years.

They changed into their nightshirts and crept into the bed, Jongdae took off his glasses then held his lover tightly to his chest. It was Joonmyun’s favorite place in the world. "Let me hear you say it again, please." He said, his face buried into Joonmyun's brown hair.

"You've... already heard it so many times, love." The former noble responded, a chuckle escaping his mouth.

"Not enough. I want you to make up for all the time I knew you and you weren't able to speak, and all the time before that."

The light from the room seemed to dim as the sun set from the window, leaving Joonmyun with only the power from the candle light (Jongdae had not installed light bulbs in their room yet, claiming that the candles were more romantic). He pressed a finger against Jongdae's defined jaw, stroking his lover's cheek fondly. "Even when I didn't know you existed?"

The other man tilted his head against the pillow. "Please, Joonmyun?"

"Alright," Joonmyun shook his head and closed his eyes, resting his head on his lover's chest once more. "Jongdae, I love you."

Jongdae let out a breathy laugh, "Hm, not enough. One more."

"I love you, Kim Jongdae."

The gentle, quiet hum from the radio in their room played as they held each other. It was always on in their favorite station, the one that played jazz at all hours of the day. Jongdae swore by his dying breath that he'd never get tired of moments like these. "Once more, Kim Joonmyun."

“I love you.” He said, pressing a kiss to Jongdae’s temple.

“I love you.” Another one, this time against Jongdae’s cheek.

“I love you." One more against Jongdae’s lips, before parting away. Joonmyun's face split into a brilliant grin, and Jongdae marveled at how anyone had ever composed poetry or music or any sort of beautiful thing without witnessing this.


End file.
